It's not like we used to see each other every day or anything, but it was at least once a week. For awhile there we went out to eat at Kobe's every payday. I'm pretty sure the last time I ate there with her was a month and a half ago and that wasn't even a very enjoyable experience since we had Virginia's baby with us.
Virginia is one of the friends she lives with now. She has a son, Martin, who is almost two years old. Please keep in mind I'm still using nick names here. These aren't really their names.
Martin is a very cute child, but a bit on the spoiled side if you ask me. He is next to impossible to eat in a public place with and loves to hit people. Eleven absolutely adores him though so she volunteers to watch him a lot. I honestly think that's where some of the distance is coming from.
I previously blamed this distance thing solely on Eleven, but I don't anymore. It's absolutely my doing. I don't care much for the people she moved in with and I don't feel comfortable around them. Those of you who know me are aware that I hate going out of my comfort zone.
After our 3 hour shopping trip today I just feel inadequate as a friend. Deep down I have this insecurity issue and question why my friends even like me. Sure, I'm very responsible, a good listener, and can give advise when it's needed, but I'm also a little too judgmental. My sister once told me I should make a career out of it. The second I make my judgement on someone I hate myself for it.
I'm not funny and outgoing like my friends are. I'm the complete opposite really. I can crack a joke here and there, but they're few and far between. I'm usually a pretty serious person and act way older than I actually am...most of the time.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with any of this, but Eleven, if you're reading any of this. I just really need you to know that I'm sorry I have been so distant lately. I miss being your best friend and I really wish I could go back and erase the last few months.
I know I'm breaking a rule on this one, but I need to share this.
Pictures from one of the best New Years of my life:
This post saddened me quite a bit. Not just because I'm friends with Eleven as well, and feel the same way about our relationship, but because you blame yourself and question what you bring to the table regarding the relationships with the rest of our family. I'm sure you remember a month or two ago when I was talking about taking a break from everyone. I'm not sure I told anyone aside from you about that, but the biggest reason I was considering it is because I felt the way that you were just talking about feeling. I was having an identity crisis within the group. What's important to remember though, is that this isn't a TV show or movie. None of us are clearly defined, cookie cutter archetypes. I'm not the brains, or the funny one. I'm not the funny one, nor am I the tough guy or the loner. And you're not the princess. You're not the token girl that's there to balance out the male stupidity.
ReplyDeleteSo if I'm none of those things, and neither are you, what does that leave us with? Who am I? Who are you? Who are we, in the context of the group? We are exactly what everyone else is. We are ourselves. We accept you as a whole. Not because you bring any one specific trait or quality to the group, but because we chose to be friends with you the same as you chose to be friends with us. That's how friendships work. They are mutually beneficial relationships.
So with that in mind, lets talk about Eleven real quick. Can you really blame just yourself for all that's happened? Friendships are a two way street. You give and you take. Maybe you made no attempt to contact her, but did she attempt to contact you? If she did, how considerate were the requests? Bringing tag along friends is something that we have almost all been guilty of at one time. It wasn't until just recently that I realized how frustrating that can be at times. Being asked, or specifically asking one friend if they want to do something, and they show up with someone else. Maybe you wanted alone time because you were trying to get back to your old ways. Maybe you're excited to see this other person, maybe not. That's beside the point.
And we all go through phases. Friendships don't last forever. There are people that are no longer part of my life that anywhere between 3-15 years ago I would have sworn would be there forever. I realize that doesn't make it any easier to hear or to deal with, but it's a simple fact of life.
Chin up, sis. Life goes on.
And holy shit there's a cat in that top picture.
ReplyDelete