The Return of the Arch Nemesis

   I should have posted this yesterday when I had the pent up rage over all of this, but life happened and I didn't have the time. I will do my best to do this post justice.
   So I was having a pretty shitty day yesterday before the arrival of Arch Nemesis. I'll just fill you in a bit before going into the subject of this post. I started my day being stuck at the bank, then got stuck behind a train, and I made it to work with literally one minute to spare. When I got to work HCB had his damn portable DVD player blaring once again. I swear to God I'm going to tell him to take the stupid thing home on Monday and never bring it back. He can never keep the volume at a respectable level. 
   Maybe 5 minutes into my shift I got asked some questions I didn't know the answer too. I don't know if you know this about me, but I hate not having the answer. I always do my best to stay knowledgeable so my employees have confidence in me. So I got flustered about that and I think I might have snapped at the person asking me the question, which wasn't fair of me I know, but I can't take it back now.
   Anyway getting to the Arch Nemesis part. About 30 minutes into my shift Boss came to me and asked me to do an interview for him. He said he didn't remember if he told her to come back at 4 or 4:30. So I said okay, well just let me know when she gets here. He gave me the app and I didn't bother looking it over. We're currently hiring seasonal help and honestly I'm not putting forth much effort on these. They're only going to be here for 2 or 3 months; so really, I don't care. 
   So at 4:30 he comes back and says your interview is here, but he is giggling like a little girl. So this tells me there is something wrong with this applicant. I just ask him if there something wrong with her, he gets serious and says no there is nothing wrong with her. This is when I look at the app and I see a name I never thought I would see again.
   Before going any further I'm going to give you some background information. Arch Nemesis worked on our campaign probably about 8 months ago, but she was with us for about 2 years. She started off on my team and I thought we got along okay. She wasn't my favorite employee, but we worked alright together, but then she switched to the morning team and boy did things change. 
   One Saturday our shifts overlapped and this was after a big change had happened on the campaign. She had said the stupidest thing I had ever heard and I just looked at here and said I just don't understand how you could think that. She had this super shocked look on her face and just said that's what she was told. When I questioned who she didn't know. It was one my uncensored moments and yes I could have handled that better. I didn't think this day would absolutely forever alter the way this person felt about me.
   After that one day she had hated me with every fiber of her being and oh man could she hold a grudge. She was openly hostile to me and talked about it to the other agents. Even new hires, Dildo Daggins can back me up on that one. 
   Someone once told me she was telling everyone she was going to get me fired. That was of course right around the time "someone" turned me into HR for living with Eleven, who was on my team at the time. I guess that was her way of trying to get me fired, but it didn't work. Eleven was moved to the other team and that was that. Nothing else came of it.
   So yesterday I was to interview this person per Boss' instructions. He absolutely knew my history with her, but yet he still insisted on me doing it. I was livid about the whole thing. I told him he was wasting my time and hers and that he shouldn't be making me do this, but I will since he asked.
   I remained very professional during the entire interview, even though I wanted to scream you smell like a whore! I swear didn't anyone ever tell her not to wear perfume to an interview. I spent most of the interview doing my best to keep my distance and keep from sneezing.
   Per Boss' instructions I asked her the 2nd interview questions even though this was the 1st interview. Every one of her answers were her version of professional so it wasn't the best interview even if you were to strip away our past. After the interview was over I told her we would contact her by the end of the week. She gave me a very nonchalant 'yeah right' look, I'm surprised she didn't roll her eyes before leaving. 
   I went into Boss' office to tell him about the interview although he didn't even really ask me any questions before marking not hired on the app. So if he didn't plan on hiring her in the first place why in the hell was I interviewing her? I think I should change Boss' nick name to Time Waster.   
   So if I could have brought myself to even be the slightest bit unprofessional here are some of the questions I would have asked her.


If we were to hire you back and assigned you to my team how would you handle that?
Would you say you work well with other? Come on be honest.
What was it exactly that made you hate me so much? Was it really that one Saturday two years ago?
Looking back on your past behavior while working here would you say you were well liked?
Why should we hire you back after being such a thorn in our side for so long?
Would you say you pay attention to gossip? Possibly even enjoy spreading your own gossip?
What makes you and your family members act like crazy bitches? Is it in your genetic make-up? Just sayin'.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

   My best friend, Eleven, moved out from her apartment below me and moved in with a couple of her other friends. Today was the first time I have gotten to see her in two weeks. I have come to realize I'm not as comfortable to be around her as I used to be. I feel like a lot of distance has come between us in the last couple of months and I don't like it at all.
   It's not like we used to see each other every day or anything, but it was at least once a week. For awhile there we went out to eat at Kobe's every payday. I'm pretty sure the last time I ate there with her was a month and a half ago and that wasn't even a very enjoyable experience since we had Virginia's baby with us.
   Virginia is one of the friends she lives with now. She has a son, Martin, who is almost two years old. Please keep in mind I'm still using nick names here. These aren't really their names.
   Martin is a very cute child, but a bit on the spoiled side if you ask me. He is next to impossible to eat in a public place with and loves to hit people. Eleven absolutely adores him though so she volunteers to watch him a lot. I honestly think that's where some of the distance is coming from.
   I previously blamed this distance thing solely on Eleven, but I don't anymore. It's absolutely my doing. I don't care much for the people she moved in with and I don't feel comfortable around them. Those of you who know me are aware that I hate going out of my comfort zone.
   After our 3 hour shopping trip today I just feel inadequate as a friend. Deep down I have this insecurity issue and question why my friends even like me. Sure, I'm very responsible, a good listener, and can give advise when it's needed, but I'm also a little too judgmental. My sister once told me I should make a career out of it. The second I make my judgement on someone I hate myself for it. 
   I'm not funny and outgoing like my friends are. I'm the complete opposite really. I can crack a joke here and there, but they're few and far between. I'm usually a pretty serious person and act way older than I actually am...most of the time.
   I'm not really sure where I'm going with any of this, but Eleven, if you're reading any of this. I just really need you to know that I'm sorry I have been so distant lately. I miss being your best friend and I really wish I could go back and erase the last few months.  


I know I'm breaking a rule on this one, but I need to share this.
Pictures from one of the best New Years of my life:

HCB + Goblin = TLF

   Okay, so I've explained HCB in previous blogs, but this is the first I'm mentioning Goblin. Thank you CPK for the suggestion on the nick name. Goblin is one of the Space Invaders that I talked about in a past blog. She is unfortunately the one Space Invader I can take credit for hiring. 

   She has a very unkempt appearance, long untamed greasy hair and is usually wearing dirty clothes. She talks excessively regardless if you appear interested or not.  She also tends to say inappropriate things to customers such as giving legal advice or how to get away from an abusive spouse. I have once heard her talk conspiracy theories surrounding 9/11 with a customer.

   On Goblin's way out she stopped by my desk to talk about my decision on declining her the Tier 2 back-up position. During the conversation HCB of course had to butt his way into it. Goblin of course didn't seem to mind and they talked for a second before leaving.

   This little interaction of theirs got me to thinking about how they are pretty much the exact same person. They are perfect for each other and should get married, but then I thought about the idea of them procreating and wished I hadn't had the thought in the first place.

HCB Strikes Again

HCB on a daily basis asks:

"Why do the customers always think..."
"Why are the customer so stupid?"
"Why do the customers expect..."

How I want to respond:

I don't know! Why do you ask so many freakin' rhetorical questions and look at me like you expect an answer?

The Adventures of HCB.

   HCB just called to ask me if he could get his paycheck a couple days early. Ummm.....no....no you cannot.

Pieces of my Mind

   So I feel like I didn't express enough how pissed off I was about Crab Shack's display of lack of team work. It was so hard for me not to be bitter about the whole thing today at work. I think I only talked to him twice, but I still remained civil with him. I may not have been as friendly as I normally am, but I believe I could get an A for effort. Here are the things I would like to say to him right now:

   Alright dude, I fuckin' get it, okay. You're butt hurt that you didn't get your way in the meeting the other day in regards to getting a raise, but honestly I'm not even sure you deserve one. Yes, you're a hard worker, but you're the newest member of the team and you have the poorest attendance. So why should we reward poor attendance with a raise? That wouldn't make much business sense now would it?

   Just because you were told it doesn't look like the raise thing is going to happen soon doesn't mean it's not going happen. You just have to have some damn patience. The two other members have been on the team for over a year and they're being very professional about it. They accept the fact that this takes time. 

   There is a lot of red tape involved when it comes to outsourcing. No other account in The Company pays more for agent assist, yes I know Tier 2 is more than agent assist, but that's not the way corporate looks at things. So The Company won't shell out extra cash for the position because it's technically not any higher level than an entry level position. Therefore there needs to be negotiations with the client during contract talks, which only happen once a year.

   I have personally been working on getting Tier 2 employees extra pay for damn near three years. I don't know why you think throwing a hissy fit like a 5 year old is going to get anything done. You still need to do your job and at times put forth some extra effort to get the job done.

   Sta, who just recently acquired the back-up Tier 2 position two days ago actually offered to cover for your stubborn ass on Saturday. Just so you would work on Sunday with the rest of us, but I declined her offer. I don't believe you deserve to have Saturday off on top of the four days in a row you're going to have off in the beginning of the week.

   Yes, we would probably get more work done with you there, but honestly with the way you have been acting recently I don't want you there. Lately I have only seen you as a cancer to the rest of the team. You help bring down the morale of the team with your attitude. Yes, things suck right now, but being negative about it doesn't change shit.

   You even rallied the other new Tier 2 back-up to badger me about getting full access to Tier 2 tools. You clearly don't think I know he needs this access so you tell him exactly want to say and how to say it. I can't flip a switch and get him complete access to everything. IT needs to do most of these things and as everyone knows, they don't work on the weekends. So climb down from your God damn high horse and back the fuck off!

   

Just One of Those Days

   I heard that a lot yesterday, not just coming out of my mouth either. That's all I could say about yesterday when people asked me if something was wrong. There wasn't just one particular thing that was wrong with yesterday, everything was wrong with it.

   I got to work 15 minutes before my shift and started reading my e-mails. I was working on reading a book of an e-mail from the operations desk manager about all of these changes that are about to happen. Any time I get an e-mail from...we'll just call him Guru, I have to brace myself, especially if they're long. His e-mails are usually long, drawn out, and don't make much sense to the average person. 

   So by the time I'm done reading this e-mail I have forgotten about all other e-mails and the fact that I have to conduct an interview in two minutes. I'm not sure why I reacted this way, but I had an emotional break down at work. I got myself together enough to do the interview, but I was still feeling off afterward. 

   The Boss pulled me into his office to go over team assignments and to let me know he is switching my days off to Saturday and Sunday. I know everyone else would be happy with this change, but I'm not. I currently have Sundays and Mondays off and Mondays are the only day I get to see Hubby. So I told him I wanted to at least have one Monday a month off. He gave me that it's not going to happen look until I said I would still work all payroll Mondays. He then said I can work with you on that.

   After all of that I asked him about the e-mail. He said he didn't understand much of it either, but we have a meeting next Wednesday to discuss it with Guru. One thing you should know about me is I hate, hate having things left up in the air. I don't like having to do it to other people and I don't like having it done to myself. 

   After I leave Boss' office, I get back to my desk to start preparing for one of my sessions with an employee, but I see an IM from Hag, the HR Manager, asking if I planned on hosting the top performer's luncheon. I told her I didn't have time to do it this week. Her reply was ok, I just didn't know what you had on your plate. I told her I had everything on my plate right now, but I'll probably have some time next week to plan it. She had the nerve to say well at least its Friday....maybe for her! Thanks to my schedule change I'm only going to have Sunday off. And the next week I'm only going to have Saturday off as I'm going to help out the Tier 2 team the next Sunday. I'll have to back track a bit to effectively explain how I got into this mess.

 The day before we had an emergency meeting for our Tier 2 team as things have been a little hostile there for awhile, with reason. After the meeting I had asked one of the team members if he was willing to work next Sunday as the rest of the team has agreed to do this to get caught up. He already has a vacation request in to have three days off in a row in the beginning of the week so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to ask this of him. He said he would have to get back to me on it. He never did that day, but finally did yesterday.

   About an hour into my shift, right before...we'll call him Crab Shack's shift is over he e-mails me. Saying he will work the Sunday if he could get Friday or Saturday off. He is the only agent that works Friday and Saturday mornings and knows that his request is impossible. I told him I couldn't approve that and if that's the only day he is willing to swap for then we'll just do the catch up work without him. Shortly after sending the reply he walks over to my desk and said that's the way it’s going to have to be then. I barely looked at him and said okay.

  I was absolutely infuriated by this time. I did my best to keep my emotions in, but I couldn't do it. I went into the restroom and let it out, but I couldn't face people after that. I almost told Boss I was going home, but I don't like looking weak. So I went to the break room got some ice water and then took a walk around the building. The breeze brought a chill to the air, but the sun was starting to break through the cloudy day and it felt great to get out of there. 

   After that I still felt overwhelmed, but I didn't feel like I was going to break down in tears at any second. I drudged through the rest of my day and didn't get any motivation to do anything until about 8:30. I got all of my work done by 10 and still felt motivated to do some extra work so I converted some documents over to web pages to make things easier for my team.

   I blame my reaction to the day on this overwhelming feeling I have had all week. I have 27 employees on my team; the average amount for a manager is between 18 and 20. I have had up to 25 in the past and I don't remember struggling this much, but I'm going down to 20 next week. Knowing things will get better next week has been the only thing to keep me going through this week.

Space Invaders

   No, this post isn't about aliens or the supernatural. It's about people who just don't get the meaning of personal space. Lately it has become more and more apparent that The Company attracts a lot of socially awkward people. People who just wouldn't understand a social queue if it bit them in the ass.

   How do these people get through the interviewing process? I know I'm slightly involved in the process and I can unfortunately take credit for hiring one of the socially awkward employees, but the countless others? I know we're desperate at times to make a hire, but come on now! 

   This post is inspired by the most recent socially awkward person who has joined our ranks. Before describing this person I just want to say that I'm a very patient person and have a high tolerance for people in general. I'm going to refer to this employee as HCB for Hairy Crack Boy, oh yeah, it's hairy.

   To give you a better picture of this kid let me describe him a bit. He is a pretty large boy, with constant greasy black hair and white dandruff powdering his head and shirt. If you're within three feet of him you can smell his fromunda cheese that permeates the air around him. 

   He always says the most inappropriate things to customers. He is so inept when it comes to professionalism and customer service, it’s ridiculous. I sat him right in front of me so I could call him out on the things he says. He usually apologizes and says he wasn’t thinking or gives some other excuse. I don’t think this kid actually knows how to take responsibility for his own actions.

   As a manager I have 30 minute performance empowerment sessions with all of my team members once a week. These sessions take place at my desk with my laptop. My desk is more of a big open cube and I sit in the corner of it. The other chair, where the employees sit, is off to the side. I like to sit at an angle so I can easily see my computer screen to read the stats while also facing the employee as I speak. 

   I really enjoy these sessions. I get to spend some time with my employees and really get to know them. I really like the ones where we get to have real conversations rather than sticking to conversations about metrics. It gives both the employee and myself a quick break from the busyness a call center can have. However, my sessions with HCB are nothing to look forward to. 

  When I do his weekly session I don't have to angle my chair to face him at all, as he is right up next to me with his face practically next to mine. He gets so close to me during these sessions that I'm afraid if I move, this professional setting will very quickly become an unwanted intimate one. 

   As I stated earlier this young man also sits right in front of me. So almost every time I'm doing another employee's weekly session he listens in and tries to join in on the conversation. Its times like these I really wish The Company hadn't torn down the cube walls to make the floor more open. 

   Yesterday for example, during another employee's session, he commented on one of the agent's metrics! I had to ask him to turn around and not pay attention to our conversation. He had the nerve to say, "Well, I can hear everything." I'm aware he can hear everything, but it should be common courtesy to not comment on it. Everyone should know when a manager is speaking with an employee, one on one, that the conversation is private. Even if you can overhear it, you shouldn't be making comments about it.  

   Almost any time I'm sitting at my desk he stares at me. I try not to pay attention to him, but it's really hard when you're facing each other. Sometimes, I ask him if there is anything I can help him with and he always says no and turns around, but 30 minutes later he is staring again! 

   I tried so hard not to laugh yesterday. HCB was trying to explain to me how to play Yugioh cards. I'm not one bit interested in learning how to play the game. I didn't even really pretend to be paying attention. I just said uh-huh and oh now and again, I don't even think they were at appropriate times. I even walked away a few times to complete my quick one on ones I'm required to do daily with my team, but when I returned he would pick up where he left off. It seemed like nothing would deter him from explaining this game to me. 

   Finally one of my employees came up and told me he couldn't view his schedule so he didn't know when to take his break. HCB made some comment to him about it of course and the employee asked him if he was on break. HCB said no I was showing her how to play Yugioh cards. The employee kind of chuckled and asked him, "Shouldn't you be working?". It was epic; it was so hard not to laugh. HCB just turned around and went back to work. 

   After my savior pointed that out I realized I should have tactfully told him he needed to be working and not showing me some card game I could care less about. Sometimes I care more about hurting people’s feelings than I am about being a manager. That’s always an ongoing struggle for me, but I’m working on it. 

Ending note:

"Everyone is like a butterfly, they start out ugly and awkward and then morph into beautiful graceful butterflies that everyone loves."

Drew Barrymore

Haunting Memories

   I have been talking to a few people about the past lately and some even talking about revisiting the past. If you've read my posts from 2009 you know I have struggled with this as well. In the last couple of years I have been living in the present, sometimes in the future, but never in the past. The past is the past and nothing you do will change that.
   Dee text messaged me yesterday asking about an old flame of her's. He apparently recently text her making friendly conversation. You know, jokes about blow jobs of course, that's just the way JT is, and about getting together to play Street Fighter. I'm not really sure what made him contact her, but I wished he hadn't. He is married now with two kids. Dee is in a long term relationship with two kids as well. In her own words "That man drives me crazy". I honestly hate seeing her being sucked back into the past when she has so much in the present. 
   CPK has also recently got in touch with an old flame again. He needs to do what he feels like he needs to do, but I didn't think it was a good idea. However, I personally know what it's like to get over someone you once loved, it's nearly impossible. Unfortunately, making contact with the person only makes healing wounds surface again. I know this first hand.
   After my post about visiting my ex's myspace page I actually added him and we talked for about a month. We talked about the past and how great and fucked up things were. We talked about how we've both changed and become better people. We probably wouldn't have changed at all if we had stayed together. We brought out the worst in each other and that's never a good thing. We didn't really achieve anything in these messages and they eventually stopped. 
   However, about two months after they stopped his girlfriend added me and she started talking to me. She wanted to know about our relationship because he apparently didn't like talking about it much with her. I told her what she wanted to know, but eventually she told me to stop talking about him because she couldn't handle it anymore. She said she still wanted to be friends, but just didn't want to talk about her boyfriend anymore. 
   Eventually I just deleted her from my friends list. She is the one that approached me, asking me questions about her boyfriend, and then told me to stop it. I didn't understand her at the time, but now thinking back, I think I do.
   The past is the past and should be left there. I know it's hard not to dwell on it, but honestly you'll just go insane if you do. When I was dwelling on the past, I became weak, and made contact with the one person I told myself I would never talk to again. 
   I used to think about my ex almost on a daily basis, but today I rarely think about him. I think knowing he has finally moved on makes it easier. So I guess it's a good thing I contacted him in the long run, but at the time, I was an absolute wreck about it. I wasn't in a mentally healthy place at the time. If you read the posts from 2009 you could tell it was a pretty hard year for me. 
   Anyway closing note to all of this: Live for yourself, live in the now. Don't be so driven by your past that you throw away your future.

Quick Note

Oversleeping, procrastination, and good times with family and friends are what Sundays are all about.

Family

   Family is the most important thing in the world, to most. So what is "family", what defines a family? Proper definition:  a group of persons of common ancestry. Well that definition is rather limited. There is another definition of "family" I prefer:  a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation. That definition is very broad; you can take it and turn "family" to include almost anyone you wish. Such as "friend":  one attached to another by affection or esteem. Well friends obviously would have common affiliation with each other. Recently a lot of my newly found friends have stated that we're like family. I do consider them as part of my family; even though most of them have never met any part of my "family". 
   I have never had a large family, nor have I really been close to them outside of my parents, sister, and niece. I have four siblings, two from my dad and two from my mom. I have always been close to my sister, from my mom. We never considered each other half siblings, even though we look nothing alike. I was never really close to my brother from my dad. He didn't really live with us until I was about six and he was never around. My other sister from my dad I haven't seen her since I was four, we just recently got back in touch through facebook. So now you're probably wondering about that 4th sibling. Yeah, well, I never met him. I'm not even absolutely positive I know his name; I know is starts with a D. I'm sure he doesn't remember my name. 
   Anyways, back to the point at hand here. I feel a strong bond forming with my friends I have now. I believe we all consider each other family. As far as I can tell we each have weird relations with the family we share common ancestry with. So whoever said you can't pick your family lied to you.


The Family I picked:


Mom- they're so many things I could say about her. She is the strongest person I know and will probably ever know. I love her crazy sense of humor and how she always knows what to say in any situation. She is also one of the smartest people I know, even though she never made it to college. I would have probably never made it through my father's passing without her. I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for her. I love you mom!


Dee- my sister, my rock. I know if I ever needed her for anything she would be there for me. She has helped me through a couple of difficult things in my past and I owe her for that. She inherited my mom's sense of humor and increased it. At the very least I can always count on her to make me laugh.


Punkie- my neice, Shelly-bean, my Butters. I have been with her for all of her life. She was born when I was about 12 years old. It's very hard for me to be so far away from her, even though she can drive me insane sometimes. She is so much like her mother that they can barely co-exist, but I love them both very much.


Baby- the newest addition to the family. I haven't even met her yet, but I know I love her.


Hubby- my husband, one of the aspects the first definition misses. In my eyes he saved my life. Not in the literal sense of course, but if it wasn't for him I would probably still be stuck in my party days. We have always been able to co-exist so well. I have never been with someone I could always get along with. Even if I do get mad at him, it doesn't last for long. He is my life, my soul, and more apart of me than my own heart. I couldn't imagine life without him.  


Whitey-my best friend in Oklahoma, the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for. He is also known as the friend in the box. He had a baby girl about a year ago. I have still yet to meet her, but I have pictures and she is gorgeous. I have technically known him since I was 15, but didn't actually become my best friend until about 7 years ago. We used to have movie nights every weekend, but now that I live 1000 miles away we don't get to spend much time together. He also makes some damn good BBQ. He literally knows everything about me and we're still friends, so that's saying something. Love you!


Eleven- my best friend, the peanut butter to my jelly. She has helped me grow into a better person more than she could possibly know. One of the many good things The Company has brought into my life. We have both leaned on each other so much in the past three years we've known each other. I'm sure several events would have gone a lot worse without her in my life. I can always count on her to be there for me when I need her the most. 


CPK- my film maker, one of the most creative people I have ever met. Of course he isn't a film maker yet, but I know he will be one day. His views on the world are so out there it's refreshing. We've become a lot closer in the past year. He is like the brother I never had. He tells me all the time I'm like his sister. We have the best relationship. He is the only one I know I can truly be myself with and he won't judge me, he just embraces it. He is one of the few people who have encouraged me to continue writing. I would have probably given up long ago if it weren't from him. We have talked each other through so many life hurdles; I'm not sure what I would do without him. 


Dildo Daggins- most recent addition to the group. He is one of the funniest people you'll ever meet. He isn't the most reliable friend, but he'll be there when he is really needed. He is a family man all the way. His family will always come first and I truly respect that. He has had to deal with a lot of hardships the past two years. He has been so strong; it truly amazes me. He was still cracking jokes through it all, not many people can do that.




Originally created January of 2009. Revised on October 8th 2011.

Contemplating Life - Sep 23, 2009

   So I'm sure by the title you can get a general idea of my recent mood. Lately I have been taking inventory of my life and I don't really care for it. I look back on my life and it's really hard to explain what I see there. All the memories I have all seem so surreal. I can't picture myself being a spoiled child and not having a care in the world anymore. 
   I know I'm only 23, but I find it difficult to remember simple things like my first love. Of course I remember his name and even his birthday, but I can't remember specific events. I just recently remembered the first time I was ever drunk and I'm not sure why I ever wanted to drink again after that night. It's really too embarrassing to tell the tale of the events that occurred that night. Unfortunately it wasn't one of those black out drunk nights. 
   Anyway my point to this blog is to get a few things off of my mind. I have been thinking about the past a lot recently. I remember how I thought my life would be so different than it turned out. I realize how many memories I have lost and can't seem to recall. Now that my dad is gone my memories are the only thing I have.    
    I don't lead a very exciting life, but I have been considering keeping a journal again just so I can go back and read the things that were going through my mind when I was 23. Then again when I think of journals I think of my teenage years and I feel juvenile for even considering keeping a journal. I also think of my husband and how nosey he is, my thoughts should never be made public.I have the weirdest thoughts and I don't think people realize how censored I am. 
    I have also been considering writing again, but I don't feel like I have enough inspiration in my life or even the educational background to do it well.
   Most of you know I have the weirdest dreams. So I was thinking at the very least start keeping a log of my dreams. I might even post some of them on myspace to entertain everyone. 
   I never realized how weird my dreams were until I told other people about them. I guess I just thought everyone had weird dreams, but I guess not. Well any way I just wanted to speak my mind tonight before going to bed. If I have a weird dream tonight you might look forward to a new post soon.

Liars - May 5, 2009

   Why do liars make you feel like crap? When you confront them about their lies, you end up feeling like shit for acknowledging the truth! The liar overreacts, even when all you're trying to do is find out why they felt the need to lie in the first place. All I ask is to not be lied to, why is that so hard?!?
   I have never been a jealous or insecure person, but when I'm lied to over stupid shit it makes me that way. If you want to hang out with a girl, who happens to be your friend, I'm fine with that don't sneak around behind my back about it. 
   I have never once cared if my husband hung out with girls. I trusted you, but you're slowly losing this trust. What's a marriage without trust? You don't want me to look at your phone and go snooping around on your pictures and text messages, well guess what I don't want to feel the need to do it! It seems like when I get past one lie a few months later a new lie rears its head. Slowly, but surely, I will no longer have trust in anyone.

Empty Inside - Apr 6, 2009

   I was just thinking today how empty my life feels. I have no real hobbies or even interests. I'm not currently striving for any realistic goal. Hell I'm so bored with my life I was excited about the thought of making my own bagels. How sad and pathetic is that? 
   I'm turning 23 in less than 30 minutes. I should be in college living it up. I act like I'm 30, not 23. Hell I'm not sure if I have ever acted my age, I'm not sure if I even can. 
   When I take a step back, all I really have is my job, husband, and a few friends. Yes, I cherish my husband and friends. Yes, I have more family than just my husband, but they're 1000 miles away. Out of my family only a few of them truly care for me. If I were to die right now, what would I have to show for my life? What impression have I made in my insignificant existance? How long would it take for people to forget about me and move on? 
   I'm usually not all this doom and gloom, but lately I have been more unhappy than I have been happy. Sure I have moments of happiness, but that doesn't last long. My mind always goes straight back to the current struggles in my life. Those of you who know me have always known me to try to stay optimistic. Well I'm tired of being optimistic. It's way too exhausting these day. 
   So far this has been the worse year since 2006. I don't think anything can top 2006. Unless of course my dad can die again, which the way this year has been going it wouldn't suprise me any if that happened. I just keep telling myself, "Tell people you're happy. Put up that front, so no one else can see your pain. What's the point of making other people miserable?". Well I'm absolutely exhausted, I can't do it anymore.  

Depression - Jan 11, 2009

   Of course I'm not depressed in a literal sense, I just saddened myself. Yes, my "depression" is all my fault. I think about things I shouldn't be thinking about, but once I start thinking about them I can't stop, especially when I'm by myself. This all started yesterday and I hoped I would be over it by now, but I'm not. I must like to torture myself. 

   As most of you know I was working on updating my myspace profile yesterday. Well when I finished with it I went to view my profile to see if I had any mistakes, which was the first mistake I made by the way. I have a "In Loving Memory" slide show on my profile, I started to watch it, which was my second mistake. I didn't totally break down of course, just got a little teary eyed, but I had to get ready for work. So I went to work, which wasn't a mistake, but it lead to a conversation I didn't care to have. My ex was brought up, and when that happens it gets me thinking about him. I fucking hate thinking about him! Of course when you think about something or someone a lot, even if you don't want to, you end up talking about it more than you should. Hubby gets a little sensitive about the subject...so I try to avoid it when possible. So I tried to shove the thought of my ex back into the closet of my mind, where it belongs. 

   Eleven and I went to Wal-Mart last night. We ended up looking at DVDs. She commented on a DVD which had four Elvis movies on it. She was being sarcastic of course about how much she wanted it. This is where I should have kept my reply to myself, but of course I didn't....third mistake. I had to mention the fact that I have seen probably almost every movie Elvis has made and about the fact that I have been to Graceland twice, because my dad pretty much worshiped him. 

   So here we go again thinking about my dad. He died almost three years ago and I still depress myself when I think about him, which is a shame because he was a great dad. I would like to think about my dad and all the great memories without crying, that would be awesome. 

   Any way we all decide to go to Denny's, which took my mind off both the things I shouldn't be thinking about, but I'm not done. Eleven came over to my apartment to watch a movie. Well before we started the movie she started some downloads and I was messing around on myspace. I decided to look at my sister's friend list to see if she had some old friends I wanted to add....fourth mistake. Well I came across someone's page who had a picture of my ex's art work on a bridge. So guess who I'm thinking about again! So I said fuck it and I'm going to let myself think about him to try to get it all out there.

   To make things worse....I know he has a myspace page....he tried to add me once....which of course I denied. So yeah, let’s go look for his myspace page. You're all probably wondering what the F was I thinking.....well I will tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking if I saw a picture of his stupid face that it would make me stop thinking about him. So you're probably really confused now....that's ok I don't expect you to understand.

   So I find his myspace page....I look at a few of his pictures. I see he is still smoking weed and has a girlfriend who looks like a man. This makes me happy.....and guess what....now I'm over it! So yeah for me....but I still have daddy issues to work out. 

   I suppose I will put those memories back in the closet where they have been for almost three years and leave them there for another day. See how easy it is to get over my depression....that's why I say I'm not truly depressed.

Retarded, Disfigured Clown

I just wanted to make my first post a tribute to the inspiration for my blog title, Blue October. They're one of my top, favorite bands. Most of their songs are just depressing to some people, but I love to really listen to the lyrics and the meaning behind them. I find them to be very beautiful and I never get tired of listening to their music.


Retarded, Disfigured Clown


Learning to love life by living through loss and mistakes
Lessons learned then gradually surfacing
Letting go, stripping naked to scream
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be
I am alive in this world of face-first falls and public breakdowns
I'm a retarded, disfigured clown
Dying to be heard for the simple art of letting this heavy wall finally fall
I'm an equal being of no race or color
A hallucination if you will
Sneaking into the lives of strangers and letting them fall apart
To a new rhythm, just to feel better