Of course I'm not depressed in a literal sense, I just saddened myself. Yes, my "depression" is all my fault. I think about things I shouldn't be thinking about, but once I start thinking about them I can't stop, especially when I'm by myself. This all started yesterday and I hoped I would be over it by now, but I'm not. I must like to torture myself.
As most of you know I was working on updating my myspace profile yesterday. Well when I finished with it I went to view my profile to see if I had any mistakes, which was the first mistake I made by the way. I have a "In Loving Memory" slide show on my profile, I started to watch it, which was my second mistake. I didn't totally break down of course, just got a little teary eyed, but I had to get ready for work. So I went to work, which wasn't a mistake, but it lead to a conversation I didn't care to have. My ex was brought up, and when that happens it gets me thinking about him. I fucking hate thinking about him! Of course when you think about something or someone a lot, even if you don't want to, you end up talking about it more than you should. Hubby gets a little sensitive about the subject...so I try to avoid it when possible. So I tried to shove the thought of my ex back into the closet of my mind, where it belongs.
Eleven and I went to Wal-Mart last night. We ended up looking at DVDs. She commented on a DVD which had four Elvis movies on it. She was being sarcastic of course about how much she wanted it. This is where I should have kept my reply to myself, but of course I didn't....third mistake. I had to mention the fact that I have seen probably almost every movie Elvis has made and about the fact that I have been to Graceland twice, because my dad pretty much worshiped him.
So here we go again thinking about my dad. He died almost three years ago and I still depress myself when I think about him, which is a shame because he was a great dad. I would like to think about my dad and all the great memories without crying, that would be awesome.
Any way we all decide to go to Denny's, which took my mind off both the things I shouldn't be thinking about, but I'm not done. Eleven came over to my apartment to watch a movie. Well before we started the movie she started some downloads and I was messing around on myspace. I decided to look at my sister's friend list to see if she had some old friends I wanted to add....fourth mistake. Well I came across someone's page who had a picture of my ex's art work on a bridge. So guess who I'm thinking about again! So I said fuck it and I'm going to let myself think about him to try to get it all out there.
To make things worse....I know he has a myspace page....he tried to add me once....which of course I denied. So yeah, let’s go look for his myspace page. You're all probably wondering what the F was I thinking.....well I will tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking if I saw a picture of his stupid face that it would make me stop thinking about him. So you're probably really confused now....that's ok I don't expect you to understand.
So I find his myspace page....I look at a few of his pictures. I see he is still smoking weed and has a girlfriend who looks like a man. This makes me happy.....and guess what....now I'm over it! So yeah for me....but I still have daddy issues to work out.
I suppose I will put those memories back in the closet where they have been for almost three years and leave them there for another day. See how easy it is to get over my depression....that's why I say I'm not truly depressed.
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